Meaning of My Life
by talking-eye
Summary: My alternative take of Cristina & Burke in 3.09 based only on the previews. Involves quite a lot of Alex & a tiny bit of George. Originally posted on MTC. Please review.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Loosely follows season 3, probably around 3.07-3.09. Originally posted on MTC.

-x-x-x-x-

She could not remember the last time she sat in silence to bite her finger nails. It was not something in her behavioral repertoire—not since childhood, not before Burke entered her life. Yet, that was the only thing she was now capable of doing without breaking down.

How was she feeling? She doubted if she was the best person to respond to that question.

Confused? Yes, that would be the word.

About what? Probably her relationship with Burke? Probably what the future held? Or perhaps, it was that bigger, forever vague question that everyone had gone through at certain points in their humble existence on earth: what was the meaning of her life?

For almost 3 decades, Cristina Yang thought she had the answer. She had always been working towards her goal as a surgeon—not because she could save lives, not because of the money and power it could bring, but merely because she knew it was her calling. But was it really the case? Why was she so sure about it in the first place?

Self-doubt wasn't her expertise, but recently it was beginning to take over her life. Her world was about the crumble. She wasn't sure if she was on the right track anymore, or if she had ever been on one. All she knew was that the sky was falling and she was sinking.

What was going on? Why did everything seem so wrong? She wasn't the happiest person in the world to begin with, but the darkness of the heart had become too heavy to bear. Her throat was tight and she could hear her unsteady breathing. Her heart was racing one minute and almost ceased to bump during the next.

Thank goodness there wasn't any nail polish on her fingers.


	2. Chapter 2

He was surprised to see her sitting alone in the locker room, even though he noticed that she had been distancing herself from the rest of the group lately. She had always struck him as a loner, and he saw that in himself as well, but tonight, he saw something more than that in her eyes.

The desperation radiating from Cristina Yang made him feel uncomfortable. Instinctively, he shrugged, without knowing if he should make his presence obvious to her. After all, they were hardly on talking terms most of the time. Even if he did say something, Cristina probably wouldn't be too interested to listen.

He wondered why she had become so quiet, so confused, almost sad. Things were going well in her love life, or so it seemed; she was in every single competitive surgery that any other intern and resident would die to get into. In fact, she seemed to be the only one in their cohort who was acting most like a brilliant surgeon-to-be.

Unlike him.

Alex Karev didn't know what he wanted, let alone whether he would succeed. He didn't know if plastics was his calling anymore, nor did he know if he was drawn to OBG only because he was tired of trying out different things and looking for what he really liked.

He wished he could be like Cristina—determined and steadfast, riding at full speed towards her goal. Alex envied people with a clear goal.

Throwing his stethoscope into his locker and pulling his baseball cap out, Alex turned around to see if Cristina was still sitting there. The sight of her biting her nails was beginning to unnerve him.

He wouldn't give a dime about Callie Torres and the plastics god, but it always made him cringe when he saw someone in distress—whether it was Izzie, Addison Montgomery, or Cristina. Perhaps especially Cristina—because she was unbreakable.

Slowly, he sat down beside her, and handed her a candy bar.


	3. Chapter 3

"Thank you,"Cristina uttered that in a quiet voice.

Alex brushed his nose with his finger and flashed an awkward smile. _They were not friends, why should he care? _

Perhaps he felt obliged. People saw him as the jerk who slept around and picked fights with anyone. But he felt obliged to air-lift Izzie from Denny's room; he was compelled to defend Bailey at the M&M. Above all, he had a sense of duty whenever he served the youngest and most vulnerable patients.

He was a wrestler, a macho guy, but there was a lot more to fight for in life than the mere satisfaction of beating another guy.

He wished he had known that earlier, that life was bigger than that. He wondered if Cristina knew.

"Aren't studying for surgeries tonight?"

"I've been reading all the time. I think I can do the procedures backwards now," Cristina held the bar in her hand, her eyes still fixating on the feet of the wooden bench.

"So you're gonna suture before you open up the body?" Alex smirked.

"Very funny!" Cristina finally looked up and snapped. "Did I say you're allowed to socialize with me?"

Instead of fighting back, Alex smiled. "I was just about to ask what pills you're taking that make you so calm and collected lately Cristina."

_Cristina._ Alex had always called everyone by their first name, except Cristina and Burke. But tonight, as in other times lately, his co-worker was nothing more than Cristina.

She still had fire in her eyes, but it wasn't strong enough to dry up the tears he thought might trickle down sooner or later.

"I've always been calm," Cristina stood up and threw the candy bar into her locker. "Only calm people can excel in surgeries. Only calm people can excel in life."

_Only a calm and mature person could keep secrets and hold things together._ That was what Cristina strived to become—if she hadn't already been one.

_Cristina Yang was never calm when she talked about surgeries. She always got super excited. Why was she biting her lips and staring into the row of lockers now? _

Just when Alex was trying to make sense of things, an unlikely visitor to the locker room appeared: He too was very calm.


	4. Chapter 4

It was one of those awkward moments that could have lasted forever.

Alex would have smirked at Cristina because her man was here to get her. But he couldn't—Cristina was looking too distressed to deserve a smirk and Burke might strike him.

Burke would have demanded Cristina to explain why she was hiding in the locker room instead of going home. But he couldn't—Burke didn't want Karev to think that he and Cristina were having problems.

Cristina would have walked away and found another place to hide, because she wasn't ready to talk to Burke or any living soul. But she couldn't—She just couldn't move.

"Cristina, are you coming home yet?" Ignoring Alex, Burke asked in an undemanding manner, trying to make his presence as unnoticeable as possible.

"I... I will get a ride from Meredith. I need to finish some work," Cristina held her breath.

Alex wondered if Burke could tell that it was a lame excuse.

"Ok. I'll see you at home," Burke tried to hide his disappointment while Cristina nodded gently and shifted her gaze from his face back to the wooden bench.

They might be just another couple that seemed to understand each other even without much talking. To Alex, however, it was unnerving to watch.

_Burke was gone. Why couldn't Karev just leave the room? What if he made snarky comments about her or Burke? What if he asked if she was fine?_

Cristina knew she wouldn't be able to handle any of those.

It wasn't really about Burke or their relationship. It wasn't about anything in particular. She was just overwhelmed by everything, every little thing going on in her life—surgeries, Bailey, sex (or the lack of it), Burke…

She worked hard all her life because it was a path that was solid and promising. She didn't work hard to get herself into this whirlpool of confusion. She hated the sense of helplessness and she hated it more knowing she couldn't and wouldn't ask for help.

She was perfecting her skills in the OR. She was getting what senior residents and maybe some new attendings couldn't get. She was a step closer to her goal as a brilliant surgeon. But nothing felt right.

_This was all wrong._

"Meredith has taken the evening off. Do you need a ride?"

The fact that Evil Spawn was being nice only proved to her once again how wrong the world had become.


	5. Chapter 5

"I want to stay," Cristina said weakly.

"What for? I thought you're done with your readings."

"I need to stay. I promised to stay… I promised. I promised."

iShe was talking to herself./i Nearly a year into their internship, Cristina stopped bragging about the cool surgeries she got involved in and started repeating herself like drunken Meredith? That was a bad sign.

Alex wasn't trying to be a friend. He wasn't trying to be nice. He didn't mean to feel sorry for her, but he couldn't contain his feelings. No, it wasn't the same sort of feelings he had for Izzie, but it was similar to how he felt when he saw Izzie broke down in Denny's bed.

"I know I'm not your friend, but I won't tell."

"I can't… No. Nothing is wrong," She buried her forehead in her hands and acted defensive.

"Do you expect me to believe that?"

_Alex was a jerk. She needed a place to cry. The hospital was so big and yet there wasn't a place for her to hide?_

"Why can't you people stop trying to look for what isn't there? I said, I am fine. What's wrong with you people?" Cristina was about to storm off, although the minute she began walking away, Alex grabbed her arm.

Perhaps what Cristina needed was a few soothing words, perhaps a hug out of camaraderie—None of which Alex Karev was going to offer.

She was clearly upset, but showing sympathy was the last thing he was capable of doing and she was ready to receive. The best he could do was to act like a cold bucket of water.

"You, Cristina Yang, of everyone at Seattle Grace, are being modest. Where's that spark in your eyes when you talked about surgeries?"

"How many times do I have to explain it? I don't want anyone to be jealous!" Cristina rubbed her temple in tiredly. "When I showed off and told you all how I craved for difficult surgeries, all you did was to make fun of how sick I was. Now I'm staying low-key, all of you keep biting on me. No matter what I do, it just isn't good enough. When Izzie broke the rules, everyone came to her defense. When Mer whined about her love life, everyone listened. When George acted like a baby in his relationships, everyone supported him. I don't need any of you to agree with what I do or say, because I can stand up for myself…"

Alex was speechless. He didn't realize Cristina's rant wasn't directed to him, but whoever said she was an unemotional, icy robot was clearly blind.

"…But why do I have to be the only one? Don't you see I've been trying?"

"You're not the only one."


	6. Chapter 6

Cristina never imagined she'd be talking to Alex. It had always been Meredith or Burke.

Burke knew everything, but with all that was going on, Cristina couldn't talk to him—you can't talk about your problem with the root of the problem—thus the insurmountable sense of helplessness.

Meredith knew a great deal because they were best friends—but that's only when she wasn't busy with her McDreamy.

iSeattle Grace was a mistake./i Falling in love with Burke dragged her away from her coworkers, her clique, her friends; whatever one would call it.

But that wasn't the worst part.

The more disturbing realization to Cristina was that she now wanted to have friends to talk to and a place where she belonged.

"Sometimes I don't feel like part of the group. I am the only one who failed the Medical Board Exam. I am picking up dry-cleaning instead of operating," Alex opened up.

"Yea, that sounds stupid," Cristina was too tired to hold her tongue.

"But I am trying. I don't have to be popular. I just need to get to where I want to be."

That was exactly how she felt! All Cristina really wanted was to know where she iwanted/i to be. Once more.

iWhere did she want to be?/i Cristina wanted an answer.

"What if you don't know what you want to become?"

"You mean, you don't want to be a surgeon anymore?" Alex was surprised.

Cristina felt like she's been struck lightning.

"When you're through the procedures twice a day, 6 days a week, everything becomes automatic. I know I'm good at it, but I'm doing it only for the sake of doing it. I'm not sure if I want to keep going."

Neither of them believed that, but the shock was greater on Alex. "Do you really mean what you said?"

"What?" Cristina shivered. She wanted to defend herself, but instead she was shaking.

"Izzie is trying very hard to be a surgeon again. Even O'Malley, who isn't half as smart as you are, is trying his best everyday. We're all trying, because we never know when that will be taken away from us. Meredith's mother probably never thought of giving up. And you? We all know you're better than a lot of us. But you're saying you want to give up? If you really don't want to be a surgeon anymore, then quit."

Cristina couldn't breathe when she heard that last word.


	7. Chapter 7

_She wasn't coming home. She might never come home again._ Burke's hand kept flipping through the book he was reading, but his mind was full of Cristina.

He found her in the locker room and he thought he could take her home and start over.

That was not going to happen.

He wasn't catastrophizing, because things had really escalated to a point of no return. He couldn't see a future anymore, much less the present.

Shifting in his bed, he tried to sleep, but he found himself shaking in rage. Wasn't that ironic? His hand didn't tremble, but his whole body was. He was angry at himself for everything that had happened to him, his career, his relationship…

And Cristina.

Why was he so oblivious to her effort and her pain? She might not have taken away his no matter how hard she tried, but at least she was there for him. Yet, he shattered her trust. He blew her away. He never gave her credits. He told her she was emotionally inadequate.

How could he have been so mean to her and expected that she would still go home with him? She was being very civil and calm. She was still holding the secret for both of them. What about him? What was he doing?

Was he being selfish? Preston Burke hated to believe he was selfish.

Perhaps it wasn't the right thing from the beginning. Falling in love with Cristina Yang, bringing her coffee, sleeping with her in the on-call room. Everything.

They were both proud people fearing of being hurt. They should not have been together. In the end, they just brought the worst out of each other because they wanted to defend themselves.

He thought he was the one with a bigger and more accommodating heart. What he failed to notice was that his ego was also bigger.

No matter how arrogant Cristina was to her fellow interns, when it came to Burke, she was always there to boost his ego. She was supporting it by the admiration she showed in her eyes, whether before or after the gunshot. She never challenged it because it was like an eternal truth to her.

But what he needed now was someone to help him stay on the ground, someone to curb his ego. It had grown out of proportion and it was stifling his heart.

Of course he still wanted to be the top surgeon and his Mama's pride, but he didn't become a doctor because of power and fame. It was the passion, the stubbornness about what life held for everyone that lured him into the profession.

But once he started to excel in his job, everything became a routine. His work became his life. Gone was his passion. All he cared was to stay on top.

Until Cristina came, with that fire of determination in her eyes that he thought would never run out.

He was wrong. He killed it. And now, he wanted it back. Badly.


	8. Chapter 8

"I can't quit," It had been a very long pause since Cristina spoke again. "I can't walk away."

"One minute you said you don't want to go on, next minute you say you can't quit. Make up your mind, Cristina!" Alex didn't intend to get rough, but the indecisiveness was so familiar that it infuriated him.

iHow could she make up her mind?/i

The sight of a human heart nauseated her. The smell of the sterile OR numbed her senses. The words on the textbook blinded her. Yet, the image of Burke's trembling hand, his dropping shoulders, and his helpless eyes slit through her body and put her deepest emotions in the open.

No matter how she hated the situation, she couldn't help but stay.

"It's not as simple as you thought."

Alex knew. It was more than her passion for medicine. The circles etched under her eyes carried the weight of a secret that was darker and deeper.

"What brought you into the field, Cristina?"

"My step-father is an oral surgeon. The only way to make him like me was to beat him. I studied really hard. I was the best ballet dancer in my class. I was the most talented horse rider in my year. Then I got better and better at everything. You know, once you start winning, you can't imagine losing. It's like an addiction—winning, being the best, getting all the praise in the world, having an answer for everything."

"But you can't win every time. We all make mistakes and fall," Alex frowned.

"It's easy for you to say that. You don't understand how hard it is." iShe did not want Burke to lose. She did not want to lose him. That's why she struggled./i

"Stop thinking only about yourself. I flunked my Board exam. I felt like crap compared to you all. But I didn't run away. I asked for help and I passed. If it's something you can solve, stay and tackle it. If you can't, ask for help. Either way, deal with it."

"Who can help me? Who can tell me what I should do? Can you? Can you tell me what has to be done? " Cristina was beginning to yell through her tears.

She didn't care about her image anymore. There was no image. There was no future.

iMaybe she should end it with Burke. If she couldn't hold herself together anymore, what good was there for her to stay with him and get hurt, or hurt him even more/i

"What is the one thing you want in life, Cristina?"


	9. Chapter 9

Burke had to find Cristina. She must be at Meredith's place now. He wondered if she had told Meredith everything. It didn't matter if she did. It didn't matter if she called him an ass. If his Mama were there, she would spite him for treating a woman who had given herself so completely to him that way. _Yes, even his Mama would not have accepted this._

Every time he shut his eyes, the image of Cristina's agonizing face haunted him. It wasn't emotional shortcomings that stopped her from reacting. It was her heart. The moment he uttered that, he knew her heart skipped a beat—because his did that as well.

If she yelled back or call him a jerk, he might have felt better. Sometimes when people were fighting, all they cared was to defend themselves. They stopped listening and got louder and louder. Then one person suddenly pulled the trigger, and everything, everything they have worked so hard for got wiped out. Without a trace.

But who could blame him? He was only trying to protect himself. Cristina was wrong. He had long forgotten about how she walked away the first time. He really never held a grudge. But he was scared. He couldn't help wondering if there would be a next time. He could not operate without her. She had become his everything. He knew she had tried her best to be always there. But what if she decided not to? What if she walked away?

He wasn't Preston Burke the renowned surgeon anymore. She had no reason to stay. Once she got bored with all the sophisticated surgeries, she might flee. Once she realized how ordinary and uninteresting he was outside of the OR, she would go away. He was convinced that she stayed only to prove a point—that she would stick.

That didn't make him feel secure at all. It only added to his fear.

Driving frantically through the Seattle rain, he arrived at Meredith's doorstep, only to be greeted coldly by George O'Malley.

"I need to talk to Cristina."

"She's not here."

"I know she's here. Let me in," Burke almost shoved his intern to the door. He was losing his manners. He was acting like a mad man. But he didn't care as he howled.

"Back off," George tried to push his mentor away. i He didn't deserve to be his mentor. He didn't tell anyone about it, because he thought Burke would confess. Instead, he nearly killed his father. There was no friendship, no mentorship left.

Burke was shocked. _Wasn't O'Malley his friend?_

"I was worried about you. I was there for you. But you put my father's life in jeopardy. You and your blood-thirsty girlfriend," George spoke with distain. He couldn't believe the man he used to admire was nothing but a self-righteous liar.

"It wasn't Cristina's fault—"

"Go away."


	10. Chapter 10

_What was the one thing she wanted in life? How was anyone supposed to answer such a question? _Cristina wasn't sure how to approach it.

If medicine wasn't the only thing she wanted in life, what was it? To be loved? That seemed vague and stupid. To love? That's even worse. Love was too elusive. She wasn't a brainless blonde. Her answer ought to be more hardcore.

"I don't want to be a robot," Cristina's response was barely audible. "I want to be more human."

_Why would she think she wasn't human?_ At first, Alex thought she was kidding.

When he looked at her serious and determined expression, however, he was swept by guilt. He was one of them who made fun of her being cold-blooded.

Alex scratched the back of his ear. Somebody should have told her she wasn't the same intern he worked with on his first day under Bailey. She no longer ran away from her patients. When Denny died, she stayed with Izzie. At this very moment, she had tears in her eyes. If that wasn't human, what might that be?

"You're too hard on yourself," Alex's lips twitched. "You won't be thinking about this if you aren't human."

"I am emotionally lacking," Cristina spoke as if it was an eternal truth that everyone had to memorize by heart. "I'll never be like the rest of you."

"Don't say that." 

Alex was feeling acutely uncomfortable with the verdict she gave herself. In front of him was a grown woman who showed the fear of a young child.

"I can never be like Meredith or Izzie."

"You don't have to be like them. You are different but you aren't indifferent. You know that, don't you?"

_Burke said she was emotionally inadequate. That was it._ No matter what others said, Burke's words echoed in her head, louder than the thunderstorm outside.

If it was only the tears, she knew she could cope with it. But that soft throbbing heart terrified her. In the past, she would have hardened it and driven everyone away. What was a better strategy than shutting people out of her life to keep herself from being rejected?

_Not anymore._ A part of her said she wanted to learn to feel. Burke melted the hardness in her heart and made her feel whole. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be cold again. She wasn't very old yet, but not young enough to start over.

Selfishly, that's another reason why she stayed. She could not imagine letting another person enter her life. She could not let go of a person who's grown to become part of her.

If she and Burke couldn't make it, she knew she's finished. Done.


	11. Chapter 11

Cristina appeared devastated.

"Are you sure you don't want to go home? It's raining like crazy." Alex asked again.

She nodded automatically. Her eyes were still red but she had calmed down. Damage control was in place. It's causing enough trouble that George knew. Alex didn't need to know.

"I will stay in the on-call room."

"Alright."

Cristina nearly lost her balance when she stood up. She hadn't eaten all day and the sleep deprivation was wearing her out.

Without saying a word, Alex walked her to the on-call room. She wasn't a patient. But she wouldn't last very long before becoming one.

"Thank you."

Alex shrugged. _That was the least he could do. _

From talking to the distressed unborn baby instead of holding the scalpel to closing the on-call room door for his fellow intern, he seemed destined to tend to small things. It wasn't grand gestures, but the subtle ones that made him a nice guy, one who would persevere without counting the cost.

Although, he wasn't much better than Cristina. He didn't realize he was a good person. He had the same sense of insecurity about who he was and what his life entailed. It would probably take people like them a while to realize that every little thing counted. No matter what they did, they would always make an impact on someone else's life.

As he walked down to the parking lot, he wondered what O'Malley would have done. The idea of calling Dr. Burke crossed his mind, but immediately Alex cautioned himself: they were not friends.

Besides, the moment he considered doing that, Preston Burke appeared, this time not as calm as he was 2 hours ago.

Burke was a well-groomed man. Even after he was shot, he always had matching pajamas when he was in his hospital bed. He seemed to have a thing for the color green, but Alex's never seen Burke match his green outfit with other flamboyant colors or accessories.

That's why it's odd to see him in his navy-blue track pants and an oversized orange sweatshirt, looking disorganized and soaking wet. 

"Karev, has Cristina left?" He caught his breath as he spoke.

"She's in the on-call room. Meredith isn't free to pick her up tonight, and it looks like she doesn't want to leave."

Burke's lips parted slightly, but no words came out.

"The rain seems pretty bad. It's good that you're coming to pick her up," Alex added.

Only a few days ago, seeing George O'Malley's disturbed face about Callie and Sloan made Alex laugh. It was not easy to imagine this same person would be overcome by a pang of sadness as he pieced the distressed faces of Burke and Cristina together in his head.

"Thank you, Alex."

_The grimace was novel to him._ Alex mumbled good night to his superior and left.


	12. Chapter 12

_Someone was in the room._ Cristina was half conscious, her forehead covered by her arm. She wanted to move, but her muscles were not under her command.

The burning sensation behind her eyelids was killing her. The longer she tried to hold back her tears, the more acute the pain became. The eyes could only hold that many tears, the heart could only be broken that many times in a lifetime. Then at one point, warm tears began rolling down her cheeks—but those were not her tears.

_Were they his tears?_ Burke was a man who would never cry.

Dr. Hahn came to operate on George's father and spared Burke from a potential blunder at work. Except for George's suspicion and the Chief's silent agreement to let Burke take another leave, nobody knew what they had been up to. He had lost nothing, and had nothing to lose. _Why should he cry instead of her?_

"I am sorry, Cristina. I am so sorry."

She heard him whisper. Repeatedly. Like a jammed CD.

Instinctively, she turned on the light. The light blinded them.

Once her eyes had adapted to the light, she saw Burke drenched in rain. Without acknowledging what he said, Cristina's hand sprang up to touch the collar of his sweatshirt.

"You'll get pneumonia…" _She hated herself for caring about him. She was the one who needed to be taken care. There was nothing more she could give. _

"Cristina, forgive me," He tried to touch her but she flinched away.

He thought she was going to leave when she walked towards the door. Instead, she pulled out a huge bath towel from the cabinet by the door and threw it over him. She refused to say another word to him. She was not in the right state of mind to say anything. But when she saw him shiver, she wanted to go and hold him.

With much willpower, she kept at a distance from him and watched.

Burke had not been in that much pain before. He knew she was not going to forgive him. Strangely, the emotion he saw in her eyes wasn't that of distain or coldness. There was no hate. He couldn't figure out what it was.

"I think this is the end of it," Cristina looked to the ground. "We're not a team. We're not a couple anymore."

Burke was quiet. He no longer needed to expect the worst, for it had already happened. He wished he could put on a proud face and walk away. But he couldn't.

"Maybe we're not meant to be together. We each have too much baggage with us. It just isn't realistic anymore." Cristina tried to keep speaking unemotionally.

"You tried. I tried, Yes, Burke, you might not have noticed, but I tried."

"I will try harder."

"It's not about you, Burke. It's the timing, the situation, our roles. We crossed too many lines. This is not going to work anymore." Cristina was shaking. Part of her was reluctant to accept what she just said.

"You can't just end it this way." Burke tried to conceal the frustration in him. "We've only just begun to know each other better."

"And the more I know, the more I see us as incompatible." Cristina spoke slowly. Every word was an effort. "We're too old to change. I will never be the perfect woman you want. We'll keep pushing each other until we fall down the cliff."

She was becoming more determined to break it off now. She couldn't bear to see him hurt. Her eyes were glued to the ground as she spoke.

Then, all of a sudden, she smiled.


	13. Chapter 13

Cristina had not been showing such a genuine and beautiful smile to him for months.

"Now, you can find someone else who can make you happy, Burke. That's a good thing, isn't it?"

Burke couldn't believe in what she said. _How could she be so calm all of a sudden?_

Cristina saw that but did not respond to it.

_Keep smiling,_ she told herself. Someone had to be in control and not let the emotion go havoc. Someone had to be the adult in the relationship.

"Perhaps we could be friends some day."

_Friends?_ Burke did not want to be just friends with her. Standing still, he stared at Cristina, until their gaze met again.

It was painful.

_Do no harm,_ Cristina reminded herself. She cautioned herself against saying anything else to prolong the pain.

This wasn't how she wanted things to be. But at least, she could feel now. She knew she was capable of feeling sad. She knew her limits. She was able to show him that. That was enough. She had learned more from it than she ever thought she would. She was becoming more self-aware.

_After all, knowing what she didn't want in life was the first step to knowing what she really wanted and was capable of achieving._

Burke was still staring at her.

_Those were important things, weren't they?_ Maybe she was beginning to rationalize with herself, but she knew she had to be thankful.

Burke didn't take his eyes off her.

_It wasn't that bad, really. They've had wonderful moments. _She recounted the warmth he shared with her—from his gaze, his hands, his body; his smiles, his words, his coffee. Everything.

Burke was still watching.

_What more could one get in a year?_ Ten years from now, all they would remember would be those fond memories of intimacy. Perhaps they could even joke about it with their family. Their children could be friends. Yes, if she did end up having children.

Burke's eyes were begging her.

"It's going to hurt, but it will pass," Cristina said in earnest.

It was not an easy ending for either of them. It might have been better if there was hatred. Cristina thought she really loved him. She now knew it very well. She really loved him—that's why she had to end it.

For two people who truly loved one another, breaking up was hard. There would always be a place in their hearts for each other, everyday in their life. There would always be a flicker of hope somewhere that could not be extinguished.

Cristina did not reject him when he pressed himself against her. If they were to end it, it had to be on a beautiful note.

It wasn't a way to contradict what she vowed to do—it's the very last time they would be giving themselves so completely to each other and she wanted to cherish it.

"I'll always be there for you."

"As a friend."

"As very very good friends."

It's time to move on.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

A/N: If there really has to be a break-up, I'd rather have one that doesn't turn them into enemies forever. I want something that can maybe bring them back together some day. That said, this is the end for THIS story. Thanks for reading. I don't normally get a lot of reviews, but I know you've been reading and that's good enough!


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